


As Pretty Does

by Joxie



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: AU, And Just Plain Silly, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:39:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6517123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joxie/pseuds/Joxie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Legolas is pretty and someone isn’t very happy about it.  This story is very AU and very silly….</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Pretty Does

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own LOTR and I do not make any money from these writings.

Elrond looked in the mirror his own beauty dazzled him “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the prettiest of them all” he asked a smug look on his face.

“Not you for sure ferret features nor your kin that bunch of miserable leaches” the looking glass replied.

Elrond stamped his foot and scowled “I won’t have it who is this knave who dares to out shine his Lord.”

“Beauty to your plainness and a Prince to your Lord, Legolas of Mirkwood will be loved and adored.”

Really Elrond thought now his mirror was spouting bad poetry at him could his day get any worse?

“What wait Thranduil’s brat is in Rivendell” Elrond pouted.

“That’s what I said cloth ears and his beauty will ignite all your fears” the mirror retorted. 

“Be silent I must think on this” Elrond turned and flounced from the room.

He sat at his desk in his study sulking “Life is so unfair” he muttered to himself “I am the prettiest all my courtiers say so.”

Just then Figwit walked in carrying a tray of refreshments placed them on the desk and turned to leave.

“Wait” ordered Elrond “Sit and dine with me.”

Figwit nervously did as he was asked, Elrond poured them both drinks.

“You think I’m pretty don’t you Figgie” Elrond smiled winsomely.

“Yes my Lord” Figwit had a nasty feeling spreading through him.

“You’d like me to be happy wouldn’t you” Elrond went on still smiling.

“Yes my Lord” Figwit’s heart was sinking.

“Good then you won’t mind taking Legolas hunting tomorrow” Elrond beamed.

Figwit felt so relieved not to be heading for Elrond’s bed that he agreed immediately. 

“And if Legolas should get fatally wounded then that can’t be helped can it?” Elrond said happily. 

“Wounded my Lord” Figwit was feeling very nervous again.

“Accidents happen all the time while out hunting you know and if Legolas should fall victim I promise you will not be blamed, now off with you and happy hunting.”

Elrond watched Figwit almost race from the room admiring his eagerness to do his duty and rid Rivendell of Legolas. Thus ensuring Elrond would be the prettiest again.

Next morning Figwit and the Prince were in the forest “Is it much further” Legolas smiled prettily.

“Not for you my Prince” Figwit brought his bow up and pointed it directly at Legolas.

Dropping to his knees Legolas wrapped his arms around Figwits thighs and buried his face in his crotch then begged “Oh spare me and I’ll grant you anything.”

“Even?” Figwit canted his hips.

“Even that” Legolas opened Figwit’s leggings and used his talented mouth.

Soon Figwit was moaning and throwing in the odd whimper while fighting not to thrust too vigorously. Suddenly he screamed hoarsely as he came hot and hard, when Legolas tickled his balls with his fingertips.

Yanking up his leggings Figwit advised “Run Lord Elrond is jealous of your pretty face.”

So Legolas ran through the forest branches pulling at his clothes and silver tears running down his face. Why was he cursed to be so pretty that such evil would befall him? Tired and distraught he collapsed on the forest floor and cried himself into reverie. 

“Look at him isn’t he pretty” Pippin enthused “can we keep him?”

Sam looked suitably serious “Depends on Master Frodo.”

Legolas blinked his eyes open, oh lovely he thought little men just what he needed.

“Hi ho he’s awake” Pippin grinned “I’m Pip and this is Sam are you alright, how do you feel about working in Frodo’s Box Of Delights?”

Legolas sat up and looked adorably puzzled.

“It’s a knocking shop” Sam clarified helpfully.

“Knocking shop” Legolas tried the words out on his tongue.

“Service while you wait, satisfaction guaranteed, take one for the team, gobble gobble” Pippin chirped on.

Sam clipped his friend across the ear “X rate adult entertainment.”

“Oh” Legolas responded “people pay! How quaint.”

“Yes, well are you interested?” Sam asked.

“Sure sounds like fun” Legolas scrambled to his feet.

Legolas was pretty Frodo agreed and having an elf would be a big draw. But could he walk the walk?

“I insist all new members of staff give me a demonstration of their skills” Frodo smiled.

“I suppose it’s only fair and right” Legolas agreed lifting Frodo up onto his desk.

Frodo quickly opened his breeches and leaned back on his hands. 

“Cute” Legolas gushed and swallowed Frodo whole.

Much moaning and groaning later Frodo was a sated heap on his desk smiling dopily up at Legolas.

“Your most definitely hired” he breathlessly panted.

Elrond pranced up to his mirror pausing to admire his noble brow before asking “Mirror, mirror on the wall reaffirm my prettiness to one and all” bad poetry it seemed was catching.

“Not you, not you may your balls turn bright blue, Legolas is more pretty by far, you are just a stuck up old la-di-dah” the mirror retaliated. 

“He’s dead you stupid mirror Figgie” Elrond stopped abruptly “there was a hunting accident.”

“Lovely Legolas is alive and well, in the Box Of Delights he is casting his spell” the mirror was very smug.

“No, no, no!” Elrond screamed throwing himself to the floor in his passion.

Pippin tapped on the door before opening it “It’s your 7.45 Legs, Mr Kitron” he called out cheerfully.

Legolas smiled at his client “Would you like to remove your clothes and mask” he asked coyly. 

“I would not inflict my face on one such as you” Kitron told him.

“Oh an elf of mystery I like that” Legolas giggled “yes do keep your mask on” he clapped his hands gleefully.

“Is your underwear made of leather as well?” Legolas questioned.

“You’ll soon find out fair one” there was something strange about Kitron’s voice.

“Ah let me kiss you beautiful siren” Kitron moved closer to Legolas.

“Sure thing” Legolas let himself be gathered up into his client’s arms.

“What strong arms you have” he gushed.

“All the better to squeeze you with” Kitron muttered.

“What a big mouth you have” Legolas continued.

“All the better to” Kitron lurched forward and kissed Legolas hard.

His hand came up and held Legolas in place as the elf began to struggle. When something passed between their mouths Legolas fought even harder but to no avail as he accidentally swallowed it and collapsed into Kitron’s arms.

“Dare to be prettier than me you up start and this is what it gets you” Kitron laughed with a hint of hysteria.

Composing himself he tiptoed from the room and out of the Box Of Delights, disappearing into the dark starlit night.

“Legs we’re going for a pint or two do you fancy…” Pippin came to a full stop.

“Sam!” He wailed.

After much argument about taste Legolas was placed in a glass coffin in the Box Of Delights reception area. To be admired even if they had to turn away several necrophilia’s in the process. 

A number of months went by and a very scruffy ranger crossed the Box Of Delights threshold. He looked upon the coffin and his heart hammered wildly in his chest.

“He’s beautiful” he murmured breathlessly “just as I dreamed.”

“Look scruffy you better move on or I’ll set the bouncers on you” Sam said snottily. 

The ranger ignored him and continued to stare at Legolas eyes full of adoration. 

“Right!” Sam sniffed and left to find said bouncers. 

The ranger glanced around the empty reception area, quickly and quietly he lifted the glass lid. He took a cold hand in his own and kissed it but it wasn’t enough so he leaned over the coffin and gently kissed Legolas on his pale beautiful lips.

“There he is the pervert, remove your flea infested lips from Legs, get him boys” ordered Sam.

The ranger found himself hanging between two rather large men his feet not touching the floor. 

“As you can see we’ve beefed up security since the tragedy” Sam told the man.

“What tragedy?” A voice asked.

“The death of Legolas you moron” Sam blinked “Legolas!” He made for the coffin.

Legolas was sitting up and rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

“Legolas your dead” Sam stuttered. 

“Rubbish” Legolas smiled brightly and climbed out of the coffin with ease.

His eyes lit up upon seeing the ranger, who by now had been dropped by the bouncers. 

“Who is this gorgeous hunk of manhood” he drawled. 

The ranger looked around and suddenly realized Legolas meant him and blushed. 

“Aragorn” he mumbled “at your service.”

Legolas reached out and grabbed him by the belt “How would you like to discover my Box Of Delights” he invited with a wink and a smile.

Elrond was a very happy bunny he was pretty, pretty, pretty and that pesky mirror had been moved to the cellar. So all was right with his world, not only that his dear foster son Aragorn was due for a visit and the boy adored him.

He walked into his bed chamber and blanched “Le… Legolas” he gasped.

“Kitron you left without saying goodbye” Legolas snarked.

“Bad form that Ada” Aragorn stepped out of the shadows and put an arm around Legolas.

“I thought you loved Awren” Elrond spluttered. 

“Just a childish fancy on the other hand I really do love Legolas he is beautiful, graceful, talented…” Aragorn would have went on but he was interrupted.

“And thick” Elrond spit out.

“Tut, tut, tut do you remember how you punished me when I was rude Ada?” Aragorn asked.

“You wouldn’t dare” Elrond snapped.

“I dare many things these days like rejecting a destiny not of my choosing” Aragorn snapped back.

“Out of my room and kingdom now” demanded Elrond.

“We will leave but your punishment first” Aragorn told Elrond firmly.

Elrond squealed as he was grabbed by both Aragorn and Legolas. Even though he struggled he still found himself over Aragorn’s knee robe up above his waist. Then with a resounding slap Aragorn brought down his hand on Elrond’s backside.

The elf yelled out “No, no, no I’m a Lord you can’t do this to me I’m pretty!”

What seemed to be hundreds of slaps later Aragorn allowed Elrond to shakily stand up.

“Let that be a lesson to you Ada” Aragorn told him.

“Get out of my sight you barbarian to think I took in such an ungrateful wretch as you.” Elrond screamed.

Aragorn and Legolas left the room hand in hand to return to the Box Of Delights. Where they lived happily ever after.

 

The End


End file.
